My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
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The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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