my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
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I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
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Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
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