A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
