umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
