My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
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