So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?