Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
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I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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