Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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