Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I'm having to shit out rocks
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