Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
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It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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