Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
