new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
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Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
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Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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