you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
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