i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
