Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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