Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
