I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
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your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
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I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.