if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..