Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018