And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
