I wish I could teleport
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
don't judge my taste in strippers
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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