I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake đź‘Ś
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
