I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
