I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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