I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
