If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
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I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
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We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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