Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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