Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
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And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
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Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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