every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
It's shark week go big or go home
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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