If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
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