Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Randomize
