i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
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Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
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Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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