I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
