so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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