I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
