Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
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I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
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my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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