the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
i just sent this text using only my big toe
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
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then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
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I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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