if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
