i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
