Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.