he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
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Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
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