Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
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There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox