I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder