My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
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at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
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And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.