Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"