East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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