he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
