I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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