She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Did you pee in the oven last night??
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