Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
