Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
why do cheetos always look like penises
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
How does it feel to date your dad?
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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