I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize