the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i love accidental penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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