you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES