Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.