Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.