Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"