im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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